1976 Edition of the Schell Hoopes-like Family Log

Ever wonder where we get our warped sense of humor? I ran across the 1976 Edition of the Schell Hoopes-Like Family Log that Dad wrote that year to send out to family! I thought I'd share! Lol! He wrote:

Hey there, friends and relatives out there in America-land. Time once again to fill you in on the exciting things that have happened to the Schell Clan here in good old Waterloo, Iowa in Bicentennial '76.

In June all of us were pleased and proud as punch when My-cal was named third assistant delivery truck driver at Klunk's Storm Door Company. We all attended the awesome promotion ceremony on the parking lot behind Fleegal's Hardware Store. Pat was the talk of the town in her scrumptious muumuu and rhinestone hair curlers. It was the social event of the season. 

My how time flies. Remember little Sioux-Zan? You'd never recognize her now. She got her face caught in the garbage disposal last July. It's healing very nicely.  Tom-ass and Sin-dee are still full of get-up-and-go, which is why they got up and went last July. But they came back in August. 

In September it was one fantastic thing after another. But the high point of the month, which people are still talking about, was when we changed supermarkets. We switch from the A&P on Lummock Street to the Safeway on Pivnick Drive. We want to thank all of our friends for their many letters of encouragement on our big move. 

September was also, as usual, travel time for ye olde Schells. This year we went on just about the most fantastic trip of our lives. Words can't describe the breathtaking scenery, the eye-popping sights, and the incredible picture-postcard-beauty of a fabled vacationer's paradise. We only wish everyone could visit downtown Washburn, Iowa sometime in their lives (particularly in the moonlight when the streets are being washed). The next time you pass through Waterloo, we'd like you to see our 9,000 slides of Washburn (the one of the sunrise over Throckmottle's Fish Market is worth the stop alone).

The summer was rather a mixed bag for us. The bad news first. In July, Tiny Tym's mother-in-law and six sisters-in-law were wiped out at Dugan's Bowling Alley. On the good side, however, our Edsel hit 500,000 on the odometer. That was almost the biggest event in Waterloo. We held a party in honor of the occasion and everyone came dressed as their favorite mechanic. If you come through town we'd love to show you our 8,000 slides of the party 

The latter party of September, Pat and I had a most rewarding experience. We joined THE SEVENTH CHURCH OF COG (Vibratory Synod). We have our headquarters in an abandoned comfort station in downtown Waterloo's Urban Renewal section. It's really exciting... we believe in the divinity of the earlobe. On the high holy days we prostate ourselves before a giant grasshopper idol made of Styrofoam and exorcise sin by flogging each other with rutabaga leaves. (The part you'd be interested in, Jim.) We possess divine proof that the Spirit of Joe Pepitone lives in six-year-old Frances Gretzer of Morgantown, West Virginia. Weekly seances are conducted by an Appalachian Poltergeist named Floyd. 

Stay-see, Sioux-Zan, and My-Cal are all still teenagers. Pat has finally figured out the formula for teen-age feeding. Merely mold 50 or 60 hamburger patties, add seasoning and feed periodically throughout the day and night with Cokes and pizza. If the teenager is not crying too loudly for his food, sometimes you might try cooking the hamburger first. We've been trying to cut out the 2:00 a.m. pizza feeding. Don't know how successful we'll be. Speaking of successful... I've given up the "FACTS*OF*LIFE" talks with the teenagers. Obviously, there is nothing an adult can tell a teenager nowadays about SEX. So, just in case some of you other guys are still doing it... here are a few facts that you may want to throw at them that they didn't know. Castle Peak in Colorado is 14, 265 feet high. Peyton Randolph was elected President of the Continental Congress on May 10th, 1775. On September 3, 1916, the Adamson Act limited working hours of railroad employees to eight per day on interstate railroads. Nauru is an island 2,215 miles northeast of Sydney, Australia. 

Christmas has come and gone and we sit waiting for New Year. We pretty well pacified everyone in the family with our excellent forethought of gift selection. We presented Ste-van with a summer vacation bus ticket trip. Two places he has always wanted to visit... The Richard M. Nixon Weasel Refuge at Ozone, Tennessee, and the National Paint-by-Number Art Museum in Jim Hogg, Tennessee. The three younger girls we took care of with a selection of dolls. Jack-key got a"Sally Sluggish" that has play constipation with an ingenuous mechanism that responds to the right administration of Ex-lax. Comes with a year's supply of disposable diapers. Stay-see got a "Flora Flakey" doll. It has a black velvet dress, washable hair, and an advanced case of dandruff. It comes with a comb & brush and 38 tubes of Alberto VO-5. Sioux-zan got a set of "Harriet Halfsafe" & "Claudine Coverup," the perspiration twins. They drink water and sweat. They come with Secret, Mum, Arrid, Brake, Veto, Right Guard, and a child-size nose clip. My-cal got a transparent stomach with an assortment of products which allows him to experiment as to which works faster, Aspirin or Bufferin; which coats the inside better Pepto Bismol or Milk of Magnesia. For Tom-ass we got a well designed construction toy kit. The object of the kit is to put a Tareyton filter on your own cigarette. He got a cartoon of "his own cigarettes," 100 Tareyton filters, zippers, paper clips, safety pins, Scotch tape and an assortment of other fasteners. So far, it has helped his manual dexterity. Tiny Tym we gave something unusual... we gave him an I.D. tag for his German Shepard "Wolf." It has a phony name and address on it... the Fairbanks, Alaska postmaster said he's already received 10,000 rabbits and dogs. Sin-dee received new "Eight-Legged Friends Carpeting" for her kitchen. It has an over-all cockroach design and can trick even the most eagle-eyed guest into believing even the real ones are part of the carpet design... it may even convince the Health Department inspector to let them stay in the trailer. I really went all out on Pat's gift. I got her a set of rubber parsley springs, frilly radishes, and other similar decorative foods that nobody ever eats. It maintains your ritzy reputation, yet can simply be rinsed off and used again. We'll save a bundle with that stuff. 

Well that took us through Christmas. Like I said before, we're waiting to greet the New Year in. So I'll buzz off for now and drop you a line or two next year. 

Brother Bill

The Riding Lawnmower that Screamed!

We were at home in Sherwood Park one evening. Mom and Dad must have been gone somewhere. I was dating Shirley at the time, early 1973. 

We had this Snapper Comet riding lawnmower I bought from our Uncle Clarence. Anyway, I blew the motor on it; and, being the handy kid I was, Grandpa and I were rebuilding that motor. We were in the yard messing around. I think Joe William's was with us as well. Mike came out and we got this crazy idea to tie the lawnmower to the back of Joe's VW! About 30 feet of heavy hay rope doesn't break easily. Mike got on that mower and we proceeded up bumpy Greenview Drive. Once we got to Greenwood Ave. the game was on! The speed was increasing! Mike was back there having a blast! This lawnmower was screaming like a siren down Greenwood. Neighbors were looking out their doors to see where the ambulance was headed. Little did they know, it was the fastest lawnmower in town that night. 

We went probably three city blocks with that thing screaming behind us. We were laughing so hard and Mike was as well. We got to the T-intersection at Greenwood and Hackett Road. We stopped in the VW. Mike, however, at this time was still flying at approximately 30 mph - he even waved when he passed us on the right! Luckily, he didnt run into the VW, it proably would have totalled both. Anyway, remember that indestructable 1" hayrope? Mike and the lawnmower got to the end of that 30 foot rope (that was still tied to the VW). The lawnmower with no brakes was not slowing down. They got to the end of the rope and the lawnmower spun around, Mike went flying off and into the ditch. We thought "OH SHIT!!!" To say the least! We all got out of the VW to go check out the damages. Mike comes hobbling up out of the ditch, holding the back of his legs, which thankfully were still attached. He said, "Someone else can ride that thing home. I ain't!"  

Well with some convincing and another rope, as in seat belt, Mike mounted the mower, we told him we'd go slow. Once he was on the mower, we tied him to the seat. We started out for the trek home. Here it was once again screaming down the road, neighbors still wondering what the hell was going on but we made it safely home and all in one piece. Mike however had some really sore legs for a few weeks.

Fun with the Neighbor in Radioland

Well this is for Becky, mostly. We have all had those neighbors that were not all there.Here is one case study from the Sherwood Park era!

This all starts with my brother Tim. He had gotten a walkie talkie base station. It allowed you to receive and transmit to walkie talkies, CB radios and such. One day we were in our back room and hear a voice coming over Tim's base station. It was the neighborhood kid next door. We decided it was time for a little fun!
  
He was asking if anyone was out there. I had to answer. I replied "This is Blackfoot Air Force Base in North Dakota. WHO is this?"
He replied, "This is Ronnie."
I said "What are you doing on a government frequency and what is your location?"
Ronnie stammered a bit and said, "I'm home."
So I asked, "Where is your home?"
Ronnie replied, "Waterloo."

Tim and I are trying not to laugh too much while transmitting to him. We have him go outside where we can see him out the boys' bedroom window. I tell him, "Go outside."  He follows my order. I ask him, "What kind of radio are you broadcasting with?"
Ronnie states, "I just got it from the Clark Station."
I tell him, "You can't be on a government channel." So then I tell him that we are going to have to run some tests on the radio. Ronnie is all in for the tests!

Now, the audience is getting larger in the room. Dad asks us what are we doing. Tim starts to fill him in. I thought Dad would make us stop' but, I was wrong. He watched out the window with the rest of us. Dad always liked a good joke.

So, back to the conversation with Ronnie. I asked "What kind of batteries are you using?" We watch as he looks in the back of the radio. Glad he didn't take them out.
Ronnie comes back stating, "EverReady!"
I asked him if he had a paper bag at home. Those days, who didn't?  I told him, "Go get a paper bag, now."
Ronnie runs into the house to get a bag. He comes back out and says he has the bag.
I tell him, "Go back outside by the tree."
Come on we had to see him!

I asked "Do you have the bag"?
Ronnie assures me he has the bag. I tell him, "Put the radio in the bag and swing it above your head three times to see if that takes care of the problem."
I was surprised that he couldn't hear us laughing and not even over the radio.
We are all about crying we are all laughing so hard. Well, Ronnie is swinging the radio above his head and counts to three. He puts the bag down, pulls out the radio and says "Black Foot Air Force Base, this is Ronnie can you hear me?"
Silence from us. ?
onnie tries once more, "Black Foot Air Force Base, this is Ronnie can you her me?"
It was so hard not to make him do more stuff while we watched; but, Mom was giving me that "It's Enough" look - but she was laughing with the rest of us!

So, Becky, go ahead and have a little fun with your neighbor. After all, your an adopted Schell kid. Your allowed. If you need any suggestions just contact any of the Schell kids we can help!

Kids Say the Darndest Things - Especially David!

My oh my... it has been a while since I've posted!

I was taking care of Aaryn and David last week while Amy and Matt were traveling for work. Amy got back to town last Wednesday night and we were chatting before I left to come back to Waterloo. I don't quite remember what we were talking about; but, Amy said, "I think I might have to just vote for Donald Trump!"
David said, "Good! Because I don't want Mrs. Zaputil (his third grade teacher) to die!"
Amy said, "Why would Mrs. Zaputil die?"
David said, "Because the president said that teachers should be shot! And, Mrs. Zaputil is the best teacher that I've ever had in my whole life."

 

Evidently, he heard the story about the comment that the U of I president made!  http://www.kcrg.com/content/news/University-of-Iowa-President-Apologises-for-Saying-Unprepared-Teachers-Should-Be-Shot-362396421.html

 

I still have no idea where he heard the story.  I was busy with work that week and didn't have the TV on let alone the news!  It's nice to know that he cares so much about his teacher though!

Am I Seeing Things?

Steve is going to be the target of this blog post.  I think this makes the second time I've picked on him now; but, sometimes he makes it too easy!

He related a story the other night that I will get to in a bit that reminded me of the trip that we took to Oklahoma City about 7 or 8 years ago now!  I had to go to Oklahoma City to work the tradeshow booth for SMART Software at the Oklahoma Sheriff's Convention.  I was driving and invited Steve along to keep me company on the drive and do some sightseeing while we were there.  On the drive to Oklahoma City, we got to witness a meteor shower.  On the way home, we were probably somewhere between Kansas City and Des Moines and Steve said, "Did you see those fireworks?"  I said, "No."  A little while later, Steve said, "Did you see THOSE fireworks?"  I said, "No."  It took me a little while to figure out that the fireworks that Steve was seeing was the reflection of the lights on the signs located on the overpasses.  As I'd drive by, the darkened signs did kind of shimmer from the reflection!  LOL!

Which leads me to the recent story.  Steve prefaced his story with "I can't believe that I'm even going to tell you this!"  He rode with Jim & Cindy to Minocqua, WI last week.  He spent the night at Cindy & Jim's the night before they left.  He was sleeping back in the sun room and couldn't get comfortable so he got up to change places.  He SAYS he didn't have his glasses on; but, when he looked out the window toward the pond there was a really bright light and he could not figure out what it was.  So, he put his glasses on and realized then that it was the moon!  He never said what he was drinking before he went to bed!  LOL!

Thanks for being so entertaining, Steve!

Happy Trails to You ? Nope.

Growing up in Sherwood Park was great. It afforded us a place to play by the river and a large area of woods. It was a much different neighborhood than our friends' that grew up in Castle Hill. We, of course, had the spring floods that - at that time - were great. It gave us time off school and we played in the water. It was also an area where we had a range of animals from dogs to cows and, yes, even horses.

Our family lived at 109 Greenview Drive. We had a huge yard that supported many events such as basketball, baseball, football, and many other types of games. We were surrounded by wooded lots. But, across the road was a cement block building that was turned into a horse stable. The Thomson's moved several horses onto the property. Now, I was a big fan of the TV cowboy era. Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger, Gunsmoke and all of the other shows. So my plan was to hang out in the corner of our yard that was closest to the horse barn. Maybe I would get an invitation to come for a visit.

It was a warm summer day and it was my task for the day (and it took a day) to cut the grass in our yard. It suddenly came to me that I could take all the grass clippings and make snack size bales of hay for the horses! I found an old metal lunch box in the basement. I crammed the grass into the box and ta-da mini-bales! I made about a dozen bales and waited for Merle to show up. It was an hour or so and there he was. So I took over a couple of bales and asked Merle if he could use some hay. He was so nice he said he would take them; but, they would have to dry out a bit before he could use them. He asked me if I would like to help him in the barn. I told him I would have to ask Mom if it was okay. So I ran back to the house and asked Mom if I could help Merle over at the horse barn. She said it was okay but I could not ride the horses. Damn... that was as bad as the old "you could shoot your eye out" ploy.

So what was my job to be at the horse barn? Yep, you guessed it... scoop the poop and help feed the horses. These chores carried on for several weeks. Merle said, "Tom, you have really been helpful here. How would you like to ride one of the horses today?" All right!  Hi Ho Silver! I'm hittin' the dusty trail! I told Merle I would have to ask Mom and I would be right back. I ran so fast that my Keds shoes nearly melted. Out of breath I told Mom that Merle asked if I would like to ride one of the horses. She said. "NO" and not to ask again. Oh no... how was I going to get to Dodge City? The Lone Ranger would be waiting on the outskirts of town for me and all I could ride to meet him was a STICK. Dejected, I went back and told Merle that I couldn't ride the horse because Mom said no. I kept on helping Merle and working Mom with several schemes like "Look at this Mom! Trigger just saved Roy Rogers!  You have to see this, quick!" Surely this would show her how noble a horse really is and I would be just fine riding one of them. Still the answer was NO.

It was a Saturday morning and Mom said that she and Dad were going to Cedar Rapids and that I was to hang around the house. This was one time I would be home alone. I don't remember where everyone else was that day but that was okay. Mom and Dad loaded up and went down the road. Perfect!  I went across the road and told Merle, "Hey, let's saddle up one of the horses for me to ride. My dad said it was alright!" There was a horse that reminded me of Champion, Gene Autry's horse. So I mounted up and headed out to the Plains - better known as the pasture. The pasture was about 100 yards long and ran along side our road. I was riding down the path and I looked to my right and there was Mom and Dad riding along side me. I got "the look" and Dad pointed sternly. I knew that meant to get off the horse and come home NOW. I thanked Merle and walked as slow as I could home hoping that time would stand still and cooler heads would prevail. Would the Lone Ranger's dad punish him for riding a horse? Would Roy Rogers' dad tan his hide for riding a horse? Well mine did! After that little experience I didn't even want to ride the merry-go-round. My rear end was as red as a western sunset. Saddle sore had a whole new meaning. So I wasn't singing Happy Trails.

A Lesson in Civics

This is another guest spot from Tom.  This story is about my lesson on Civics, painful as it was!  This took place toward the mid year of 6th grade at Castle Hill school. (Castle Hill, yes that's the school for me.  I'm proud and glad to give it my loyalty.  So dear Castle Hill, best school in Waterloo, I promise to be faithful ever more to you... OK, stop singing the Castle Hill song.)    

It was a Friday after school and I wanted to go over to a friend's house.  But first maybe I should go back to part of my day in school.  It was in Mrs. Woodward's class and I don't remember just how we got on to the subject of freedom of speech; but, Mrs. Woodward tried to explain how we all enjoyed the freedom of speech.  Wow I thought that was neat and it stuck in my memory.  You go to school to learn and be able to exercise your the newly discovered information. These moments make your parents proud... usually.

Now back to unfold my lesson on Civics.  I was changing out of my school clothes to go over to a friend's house to play out in the woods of Sherwood Park.  Mom asked where I thought I was going and I told her I was going over to Ray Moses' house.  Mom told me that I could not go because we (the family) were going to do something later.  Well that didn't sit well with me so I argued my point with Mom.  Still the answer was "no."  I begged and promised to be back before we had to leave.  Still, I heard "NO."  So, I just walked out and started to head out to Ray's house.  Seemed simple.  Mom was on the porch telling me I better not leave.  I continued to plead my case and Mom told me to shut up and get in the house.  OK, Mrs. Woodward's speech on freedom of speech rushed into my brain!  I was about to exercise my constitutional right!  WRONG!  Damn, I wish Mrs. Woodward would have told me about the right to remain silent.  Too late, Little Patriot.  So, I yelled back, "I don't have to shut up. I have the freedom of speech," and I just kept walking to Ray's house. I got there and Ray's mom told me Ray couldn't come out and I was to go right home.

It was a long, slow, reflective walk home.  I thought to myself,  "What is my fate going to be?"  Surely I was going to be safe.  I had only invoked my Constitutional right.  I still had the feeling that I was a dead man walking.  Mom didn't say anything to me when I came into the house.  This was like a new power!  What other rights did I have that I could use to my advantage?!

The thing I didn't think about was what Dad's reaction would be to the Constitutional debate.  Dad got home and we entered into a pretty one-sided debate.  It was then that I found out I didn't have the freedom of speech; nor, did I have the ability to sit for a while.  Once more a painful end.  Why didn't they have a time out back in those days?  So, to my nephews and nieces, if you need any Constitutional advice on your rights, feel free to drop me a line!